doubts and wishes

sometimes i get scared. it's only at nights, when i wake up in the middle of the night and the shadows seem threatening, and i have to wonder if i've been fooling myself all along. it's times like this when i wonder if i really love him after all, if we really do have a future, or if we don't really know what love is and nothing will ever come of it. i don't think i can stand to lose him, sometimes. but i only realize that when i remember that he isn't actually mine.



we wanted, originally, to "court" (not date; there's a difference) so that if we figured out that we wouldn't have a future together, we could walk away without being hurt. we didn't realize that from the time we were friends, we could no longer walk away without losing something. and loss is the thing that scares me more than anything. even if we fall out of love with each other, and it's a mutual thing, and we walk away knowing that we're better off with someone else, there's still going to be a terrible loss. our relationship would never be the same.



and i'm too scared to talk to him about it. not because i'm afraid of what he'll say, or how he'll react, or if he'll say he's been thinking the same thing. but i'm just afraid that if i say it, mention that this doubt even exists, that it will grow, until it's real, and then from being real it becomes all of our relationship, until our relationship is only doubts, and there is nothing left. that's what i'm scared of.



but these thoughts only appear at night. i still have the daytime, to laugh, to dream, and to know that we have more than a chance at happiness. now it's just the other twelve hours that need to be convinced of that.

so....it's been a while

hello, internet world! (or....the inside of my laptop, because i think i just heard an echo when i typed that)

it's definitely been a while since i last blogged. so quick update/about-me so my lovely laptop knows what i'm talking about when i start rambling about my life.

i'm a sophomore/junior in high school. ive been in a relationship with a lovely guy since the beginning of the year (as in, january. not the beginning of the school year). i'm in band, and two ap classes (english language, and world history), so i whine a lot about those becasue they're a lot of work. i'm smart. easily bored. relatively religious. like poetry. and chocolate. and range from very poetic/thoughtful to very random/hyper. and as you can guess, the combination of all those things has made me not very high up on the social pecking order at school--not everyone believes in my view of life, which is just fine with me.

i don't want to start another train of thought. that would just bother me because separate topics belong in separate blog posts, in my opinion. so until next time...

"it's my,
my heart,
my life,
that you're calling a lie
and i can't take anymore.
i feel it coming over me
i'm still a slave to these dreams
is this the end of everything,
or just a new way to bleed?"
--evanescence, "new way to bleed"