Meeting Jesus in a Soup Kitchen

(note: although all the events are true, I have deleted minor details to protect the privacy of the people mentioned in this, especially names.)

Recently (last Saturday, actually), my confirmation class went on a retreat and visited a soup kitchen. And I met Jesus.

I've gotten some funny looks when I've said that, as if meeting Jesus isn't a thing people usually do. Which kinda makes me laugh and then makes me sad, because people SHOULD be able to see Jesus in everyone they meet. I don't know if that means they're not looking, or that people aren't acting like Jesus. Either way, that's a bit sad.

So anyway: the retreat. Our group met in our church to discuss what our experience at this soup kitchen would be like. We would serve lunch to the members, as they were called, at the day shelter, and we would play bingo with them. We talked about making sure to see Jesus in the people we served there--to look past their appearance and circumstances, and to recognize their humanity, as well as their divinity.

When we got to the soup kitchen, I was (understandably) a bit nervous--soup kitchens and the homeless aren't things I generally hang around very often. As we started off, I was pretty silent, washing tables as people finished eating and trying to be invisible. I smiled and said polite things, but I didn't really converse with anyone (conversation was somewhat impeded by the piano player in the back of the room as well; I felt like an idiot because anytime anyone said anything to me, I had to ask them to repeat it multiple times).

Finally, near the end of the hour and a half that we were serving, a middle-aged black man with a pencil behind his ear said hi to me. Because there wasn't many people left, I felt free to sit down and talk. He asked me how I was doing, and just a few minutes after that, he began asking me deeper questions--what I wanted to do with my life; what dreams I had. I told him I wanted to be an author, and when he asked me what I wanted to write, I began describing "A Wrinkle in Time" to him. By this point, several of the others in my group had sat down at the table and were listening too. I asked him if he read many books, and he said no, he preferred working with his hands (this made me smile; after all, Jesus was a carpenter). He then asked us why we were there, and when we told him we were on a confirmation retreat, and that our church was St. Martin of Tours, he asked us what the story of that saint was. This post is excessively long already, so I'm not going to retell this story; if you aren't familiar with it, please look up this saint--he's a pretty great guy. Anyway, we talked for a while longer--half an hour or so. The best part of our conversation was when he thanked all of us for recognizing the Jesus in him, regardless of his outside appearance. It was wonderful how that happened, because he used the exact same phrases that our group had said at that meeting just a few hours earlier. We said goodbye to him, and he left, saying how he was happy to have met us.

So I found Jesus in a soup kitchen that day. Who knows where I'll see him next. Maybe it'll be in you. :)

Song of the day: "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy. Wonderful song! And really relatable to me lately.

AP world history is useful?!?!

So I have quite a few thoughts that I plan to turn into blog posts in the near future, but I’m going to restrain myself and not post them all in one day.

Anyway, as the title says, ap world history might actually have a use—who knew! Recently we’ve been studying Islam, especially the controversial issues surrounding it, like the women forced to wear veils and suicide bombers attacking innocents in the name of God…but that’s not what I want to talk about.

In the past few days, something pretty stupid that I did (along with this wonderful guy that I sometimes call mine, even though he isn’t; he’s God’s) came out to my parents. Now I’m not going to say what it was…because it was stupid and embarrassing, and because I’m not sure who might read this. I’ll just say that it wasn’t good (and it wasn’t sex. So y’all (haha, I sound southern now) can put that out of your heads). And though it wasn’t good for lots of reasons, the reason that bothers me the most is that it compromised the dignity of both of us, especially me (for no reason other than I’m female and he kinda has a responsibility to guard me from the loss of my dignity, if that makes any sense, because I don’t care to explain exactly what I’m thinking).

And that got me thinking about the veils those women wear. The other day, we watched a video where multiple women were interviewed who wore the veils, and they were all asked if they thought it lessened the value of their femininity. Every single woman interviewed said she felt dignified and valued in wearing the veil, which shocked the interviewers. Now, this is western culture’s belief, and until recently I’ve agreed wholeheartedly (yeah, I’m a bit of a feminist)—forcing women to wear veils whenever they’re in the presence of a male not in their immediate family IS degrading to women. But…in light of this past week and all the stupid decisions I’ve made that left me feeling awfully degraded (kinda like a pure white cloth that’s been stained with blood (haha, quite a bit of symbolism in THAT image!)) and like I’m trying to hold on to scraps of my dignity, I think I’ve changed my mind a bit about veiled women.

Yeah, many of the other things they are put thru, like not being allowed to go to school or whatever other things they can’t do, don’t dignify women, and do make them less than men in that way. But the veils have a different message. They say “I’m a precious treasure, and as such, only the one whom I allow to have all of me, body and soul, can see fully who I am, because I respect myself too much to let just anyone have me; I’m a gift to be given, not an object to lust after.” And that’s a message I’d like to send to others—and I feel like I haven’t done a very good job of that lately. Think of how different THAT message is from the message that western women wearing short shorts and low-cut shirts send!

I think that’s something I really need to think about. I’m not going to start wearing a veil everywhere I go; first of all I’m not Islam (or Muslim, I still haven’t figured out which one you use, and when), and second, I’d probably get lynched or something in the town I live in (white, middle-class, Christian—no diversity at ALL). But the idea of that—protecting like a priceless gem the treasure that I am as a woman, even (and especially) from my boyfriend or any others I might date—is something too alluring to ignore. Demanding respect above anything else, because I deserve it—even when I feel like I don’t. Because we all deserve it. Too many young people—girls especially—are giving up so much of who they are, and they really deserve better than that.

*sigh

Just lost my train of thought! This is what happens when your dad needs your help to edit his résumé….. Oh well. I think there’s enough thought for one blog post without me bothering to try and regain my conclusion. So until next time (whenever that may be)…………

homework, mothers, and chronic stress (warning: rant ahead)

so.....i've been stressed lately. way stressed. yeah, i just got back from winter break a few days ago, i know that. but i don't think that did anything for me except move my stress a week away.

first off, my mom did something pretty low today. i see my boyfriend maybe once a week. maybe. and i was going to see him tonight, at church. i was all excited for a whole 3 hours to spend together; i've been excited about tonight for a few weeks now. and, right before we walk out the door, she drops the bomb. "hey, you're not going." ...yeah. supposedly i have "too much homework." (which is true, but seeing my boyfriend is a little more important than AP world history) adding "oh, and the bathroom smells funny. clean it before i come home," she walks out the door. i race to the phone, trying to catch my boyfriend before he leaves for church...and miss him, of course, because something shouldn't go right in my day--that'd be too nice. so i'm kinda determined not to do any homework while she's gone, but drink hot chocolate for 3 hours, just to spite her. (stupid? maybe. reasonable? in my mind, yes.)

and then there's the pile of homework i need to do. it's in three categories--way overdue, to be turned in soon, and to be turned in before the end of the semester (after exams, in 2.5 weeks). and i've counted out the hours it'll take to do it all, and the hours i HAVE until the semester ends....and there's just no mathematical OR logical way to make them come close. it'll take a miracle and some really good motivation to get it all done. since my grades are a bit shaky because i have so many missing assignments.....they need to be done. i don't know how i'm going to do them all, i just know that when the semester ends, SOMEHOW i'm going to have all my work turned in.

so if there's such a thing as chronic stress, yeah, i have it. big time. and i'm not in some poetic mood today, saying that of course there's going to be a happy ending, because there probably isn't. the best i can do is acknowledge it....and then get back to my homework.

"please be human to me."

life's really scary some days. in fact, it's terrifying.

it's not its uncertainty that's scary; it's not even its length. it's the thought that so little divides what is from what might have been. that's the thought that keeps me awake sometimes--trying to sort out the might-have-beens. it's so easy to imagine what little things in your past could have changed your life as it is today. and it's so frightening to realize that what you are doing right now, if only you'd done it slightly different; a moment earlier or later, or just a little differently, then your life could have been entirely different.

it's funny, how life happens sometimes. and scary, because I could lose you just as unexpectedly as I found you.
(this one's from my boyfriend)

if emotions come from your brain, then why does your chest ache when you come across something very beautiful?

i wish i had all the words some days, and in fact, i do. it's just that i can't always see the right way to put them together unless someone else does it for me. they're ordinary words, really; it's just the way they're put together that makes them beautiful.

I keep thinking you already know. I keep thinking I've sent you letters that were only ever written in my mind.

www.iwrotethisforyou.me

some days i wish i wasn't so good at pretending that i'm okay

why?

it is one of a child's first words, the beginning of their search for knowledge. it is a mother's cry as a rebellious teenager has made a bad choice. it is the lament of a man losing his job, unable to support his family. it is the wonder of a husband and wife waking up next to each other for the first time. it is the reaction to the loss of a loved one. it is the reaction to the gain of the world. it is the soldier's question heading into war. it is the catalyst of a new scientific discovery. children have asked this question from the beginning. philosophers and theologians have still not found the final answer. it is the voice of humanity.

again, i havent blogged lately--but not because i haven't wanted to. simply becasue i haven't had the time.

these days i've barely had the time to do everything i'm supposed to be doing, much less anything else. which can get hard sometimes. if i could just have one or two days that i didn't have to do anything except catch up on my homework, earn some money, and maybe clean my room, i'd be fine. but i'm constantly just almost behind, not enough where it's a problem in getting stuff turned in at school or that sort of thing, but i'm just barely making it. if this translated to a business, i'd be making enough money for all my expenses--but absolutely nothing else. there's just always so much that seems to be more important than just breathing, and looking at life for a little while. i mean, when it's a choice between talking to my boyfriend and doing my history essay, or saying a prayer and passing a class, it's kinda obvious which one i HAVE to choose. and i don't like it when these choices are taken out of my hands.

i guess that's really all i have to say...or rather, all i really have TIME to say. oh well. i'm doing the best i can with what i've got to work with right now. that's all anyone can ask, isn't it?

we're smiling but we're close to tears,
even after all these years,
we just now got the feeling that we're meeting
for the first time.....
oh, these times are hard
yeah, they're making us crazy,
don't give up on me baby <3

doubts and wishes

sometimes i get scared. it's only at nights, when i wake up in the middle of the night and the shadows seem threatening, and i have to wonder if i've been fooling myself all along. it's times like this when i wonder if i really love him after all, if we really do have a future, or if we don't really know what love is and nothing will ever come of it. i don't think i can stand to lose him, sometimes. but i only realize that when i remember that he isn't actually mine.



we wanted, originally, to "court" (not date; there's a difference) so that if we figured out that we wouldn't have a future together, we could walk away without being hurt. we didn't realize that from the time we were friends, we could no longer walk away without losing something. and loss is the thing that scares me more than anything. even if we fall out of love with each other, and it's a mutual thing, and we walk away knowing that we're better off with someone else, there's still going to be a terrible loss. our relationship would never be the same.



and i'm too scared to talk to him about it. not because i'm afraid of what he'll say, or how he'll react, or if he'll say he's been thinking the same thing. but i'm just afraid that if i say it, mention that this doubt even exists, that it will grow, until it's real, and then from being real it becomes all of our relationship, until our relationship is only doubts, and there is nothing left. that's what i'm scared of.



but these thoughts only appear at night. i still have the daytime, to laugh, to dream, and to know that we have more than a chance at happiness. now it's just the other twelve hours that need to be convinced of that.

so....it's been a while

hello, internet world! (or....the inside of my laptop, because i think i just heard an echo when i typed that)

it's definitely been a while since i last blogged. so quick update/about-me so my lovely laptop knows what i'm talking about when i start rambling about my life.

i'm a sophomore/junior in high school. ive been in a relationship with a lovely guy since the beginning of the year (as in, january. not the beginning of the school year). i'm in band, and two ap classes (english language, and world history), so i whine a lot about those becasue they're a lot of work. i'm smart. easily bored. relatively religious. like poetry. and chocolate. and range from very poetic/thoughtful to very random/hyper. and as you can guess, the combination of all those things has made me not very high up on the social pecking order at school--not everyone believes in my view of life, which is just fine with me.

i don't want to start another train of thought. that would just bother me because separate topics belong in separate blog posts, in my opinion. so until next time...

"it's my,
my heart,
my life,
that you're calling a lie
and i can't take anymore.
i feel it coming over me
i'm still a slave to these dreams
is this the end of everything,
or just a new way to bleed?"
--evanescence, "new way to bleed"

There's been a lot of depressing blog posts lately, so I guess I'll join in.

Pretty cool stuff here. I'm talking about OneNote (it's a microsoft program). It's entertained me and kept me from working for an hour at least now, so I think that's pretty great.

I'm tired.

 
 

Hmm. I've been thinking about high school a lot lately, which makes sense 'cause I'm in it. But I've realized that I really don't have any true friends anymore. True friends support you, they want you to achieve your dreams, they're happy for you when you do. But my friends, I found out, don't do that, any of them. Like, the other day when I found out that I have the highest GPA in my grade. I'm excited, of course, because I want to graduate a year early and go to a really selective private liberal arts college. But when I tell my friends, they yell at me for bragging. I wasn't bragging, though! I was excited, and I thought that since they're my FRIENDS, they'd be excited for me too. But they weren't; instead, they stopped speaking to me. I don't really mind it. I don't NEED friends, I've lived without them before and perfectly well too. But it still hurts. It's like I can't be smart-I can't be fully me-around them.

 
 

Song of the day: hmmm. I don't remember if I've already said this, but "September" by Daughtry.

bah.

So I'm sitting in the car on my way to my friend's state crosscountry meet, and I remember that I have a blog. Cool, huh? So since I can't hack into any wifi network (the name of one that I tried is PiratesAmongUs, something I found ironic) and I can post from Microsoft word, (not to mention that I don't care enough to work on my AP essay like I should be doing), I decided to update this for like, the first time in months.

It's really not my fault, though! I've been busy. Crosscountry every night after school, marching band, AP class, and all……sleep is a thing of the past. So. I think ive lost all intelligent thought right now, 'cause I can't think of a thing to say. And you should be thankful ive got spellcheck because without it no one could figure out what im trying to say. Im tired. Really tired. Even though I got like 10 hours of sleep last night, im tired. The first marking period of school is over. I only have 15 (or 11) more of these left before college. Joy.

 

Mkay. I guess this'll have to count as blogging. I'm not making any promises about blogging sometime soon, but I might. Idk.

 

Song of the day: "Lucy" by Skillet (love this song! It's so sad!)

oh, yeah. i have a blog.

it's only been a week since school's started, but it feels like a couple months. i've practically forgotten what my house looks like in the daylight. i've got marching band, cross country, AP english, two languages, and i'm trying to have a life. which is all well and good, except for that i have to sleep, too. so im basically exhausted. most of the day, im walking thru life like im a zombie. these are supposed to be some of the best four years of my life, but it's only been the first week of my freshman year and at this rate, im not even going to remember most of it. oh well....i'll get used to it soon enough. i have to.

song of the day: "lost in this dance" by Lena Katina. (i love this song!)

i feel important (:

im in a poetic mood today--you know, one of those days where you can't stand the ordinary day-to-day events and just want to sit in a hammock and write poetry all day.

and one of my friends mentioned me in her blog!

i can't comment on her blog, so: hi! i feel special :D and i know what you mean, about most of what you said. i agree (:

i really want school to start, actually. i mean, it feels like it's almost started already, with all im doing: cross country and band and all. it'd let me see my friends more.

but at the same time, i dont want it to start, and i'm regretting all ive gotten myself into. the world's spinning too fast as it is and im trying to make it go faster because sometimes im scared of these words i love. poetry scares me sometimes; it's too real for me sometimes and sometimes i want to be "normal". i know it's a compromise and id lose so much, but sometimes im scared of depth; sometimes i just want life to be shallow.

so in honor of the shallow lifestyle, the song of the day is "Teenage Dream" by katy Perry

*sigh*

why can't i finish this stupid essay????

ugh, this is driving me crazy. i've been working on my AP english essay all summer. there's 3 weeks left of summer break and i haven't finished it yet.

i keep rewriting it. and re-rewriting it. and re-re-rewriting it. im so scared that i've just been lying to myself. i'm so scared that i might not actually belong in this class. yeah, i've been in advanced AP english classes for the past two years. but now im gonna be a freshman in an 11th grade english class. what if i can't keep up? what if we'vee been babied in my advanced class, and i'm really not that good of a writer at all?

i don't know. so even though this is just a stupid summer writing assignment, i want it to be perfect. i don't want to be the stupid freshman who really doesn't belong. idk. it's driving me crazy.

song of the day: "candles" by hey monday

yay yay yay yay yay!!!!:)

im gonna buy a guitar (:

that is all

oh, and band camp's sundaay. so bye for another week (:

band!!!! :D oh, yeah, and school.

band camp sunday!!!! yay! :D

and i got my school schedule:
1st hour: biology
ugh. i hate science. at least one of my bffs is in this class. and maybe i could sleep....

2nd hour: spanish 2
the spanish teachers are all terrible i've heard. i'll sleep, thanks.

3rd hour: AP lit
yay! english! this is gonna be mostly 11th graders and im a freshman. no sleeping here :|

4th hour: history
it'll depend on the teacher how much i hate this class. another slack-off hour probably.

5th hour: french 2
whee! i love french! and i love my teacher! this is a fun class :)

LUNCH: (torey, listen up and comment if u read this to tell me which lunch u have) 3rd lunch. late. and not with the one friend whose schedule i know.

6th hour: geometry
ugh. ugh. ugh. hate this class. will fail. ugh.

7th hour: BAND!!!!!! :D
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! band!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

song of the day: if everyone cared by nickelback

Catholic Heart Work Camp

CHWC—where i’ve been for the last week. it was awesome and because i promised various people who read my blog that i’d post what i did, here it is (the edited version, of course, because the unedited version is only in my diary, and blogs aren’t diaries, especially when daddy reads my blog :D) and i apoligize for this incredibly long post.

Friday:                                                                                              You know how you used to feel like the night before christmas or a vacation, how it’s hard to sleep? that’s how i feel now. can’t wait til  CHWC starts.

Saturday:                                                                                          it’s late. like, really late. i’m writing by the light of a nightlight. we’re getting up at 4 tomorrow, so i should be asleep, but i can’t sleep, so i figured i should write. i really can’t even see the page or what i’m writing. well, when we got to church, we did just some teambuilding stuff for a few hours…then kinda just hung out, packed our stuff, and went to bed. can’t wait til tomorrow :)

Sunday:                                                                                             loooong drive today. it’s 10.30 but feels like so much later because we got up at 4. that’s way too early for me. we switched cars every few hours, so the trip was kinda split up into 4 parts. the first part—i tried (and failed) to sleep. second part—laughed hysterically, waved at random cars, watched the driver of my car stick her foot out the window, had tons of fun. third part—explained twilight to a guy. don’t ask. it was his choice of topics, not mine. then lunch. then like a half hour more and we were there. pittsburgh is really pretty, in a dangerous, big-city sort of way. like, it’s this huge city, but there’s mountains all over and these huge houses up in the mountains that look like castles. but you can see the lack of money, the graffiti, the broken-down houses, the need that is so clear if you look past the mountains. the program and mass were pretty neat too---more interesting than i’d expected. i get to work with kids in a boys and girls club—should be fun, and pretty easy too.

Monday:                                                                                            disappointingish day today. for one, my focus is totally off—i’m supposed to be focusing on serving others and growing closer to god and all that. but i’m not. i’m all distracted by my personal life. i’m supposed to have left that behind, but it’s followed me here. just because he paid some attention to me the other day, i thought (hoped) that he liked me. so now i’m depressed because he’s kinda been ignoring me, although it’s not at all surprising. also, as i said yesterday, i’m working in a  boys and girls club, not painting/working like everyone else. it feels kinda insignificant; i mean, so i spend like 3 days hanging out with some kids. so what? it’s not going to do that much in the end; not going to affect anyone. it’s just like, what’s the point? i don’t quite see it.

Tuesday:                                                                                           today…better day. the kids remembered us. now that i’m out of my random;y depressed mood, yeah, i do think we’ll have some sort of impact. maybe not lifelong. maybe not just on the kids, maybe on the other adults that ask us why we’re doing this. but something. the routine is pretty straightforward there. it’s like in the ghetto. i’m serious; it’s kinda creepy. we play a lot of games with the kids—ping-pong and pool and the wii and air hockey and dance dance revolution. it’s fun. the kids are all so intense! they’re so competitive, and you can see they’re used to a hard life, where you HAVE to be that intense. so not what i’m used to.

Wednesday:                                                                                      i keep losing my voice. i’m gonna scare some little kids or something. today we went to a different boys and girls club because our kids were on a field trip that we weren’t allowed to go on. it was a lot nicer—not in the ghetto this time :D. basically same routine though, but we got to go swimming, which was pretty amazing. i’m getting kinda sick of sleeping on a gym floor with 250 other girls and communal showers. i’m sitting in the program room writing and waiting for evening program to start. four corners tonight. it’s this sort of prayer-thing. i can’t really explain, but it’s really moving and intense. really awesome.

Thursday:                                                                                         kinda sad day, because today was the last day with the kids. they all asked us to visit again, and we couldn’t have said no so we just kinda said that we’d try to and hoped that they’d forget so they wouldn’t be disappointed.

Friday:                                                                                              free day. i’m exhausted, and feel kinda sick. this week of 5 hours of sleep a night has definately caught up to me. i went to a water park and fell asleep twice, but other than that had quite a bit of fun. i’m really sunburnt again though. looking back at this week, it’s gone so fast. it’ll be a whole year til i can do this again, and i already miss it.

My chains are gone, I've been set free
God my savior has ransomed me
and like a flood his mercy reigns
unending love, amazing grace

hi again

i haven't posted in forever. sorry. i guess.

i was on a mission trip all last week (it was awesome; sometime later i'll post about it) and this week i've been too brain-dead to think, let along blog.

detasseling is FINALLY over. i'm so happy. i seriously am not doing it again. not a chance. ugh.

i can't think. i need sleep.

there. i blogged again.

band camp week after next. i'd be exciteder if i was more awake.

song of the day: "Last to Know" by Three Days Grace

Corn. corn corn corn.

gah. i'm seeing corn. i'm serious. when you work in a cornfield for like 8 hours a day, corn gets stuck in your head. now every time i close my eyes, i see corn. i seriously dreamed about corn last night. isn't that a sign of insanity?

thanks soooooo much, ellie, for putting the blogging breaking dawn thing on here. i totally owe you. and thanks for the e-froot loops, adi! :D

hmmmm. i should blog something interesting. like, regularly. what do you think? should i write a story, or blog about one? or both, or something completely different? hmmm. what's your favorite song? i want to listen to some new music. how many questions can i ask in one post?

i'm going on a mission trip with my church on saturday. it should be really fun. we're going to pittsburgh for a week. i'm crossing my fingers that there will be wifi access where we're sleeping. and that i'll have my ipod touch back by then. if not, i'll be without internet access for a week.

i think i'll blog my mission trip, if i get internet access while i'm there. if not, i'll just write it down and post it when i come back monday. you can read it, or ignore it if you don't care. whoever "you" is. i'm probably talking to myself....well, typing to myself.

anyway. it's hot here. like, 100 degrees. and humid. ugh. i'm sleepy. and need to do something besides type/talk to myself. naptime.

song of the day: "hundred" by the fray