Monday, October 24, 2011

doubts and wishes

sometimes i get scared. it's only at nights, when i wake up in the middle of the night and the shadows seem threatening, and i have to wonder if i've been fooling myself all along. it's times like this when i wonder if i really love him after all, if we really do have a future, or if we don't really know what love is and nothing will ever come of it. i don't think i can stand to lose him, sometimes. but i only realize that when i remember that he isn't actually mine.

we wanted, originally, to "court" (not date; there's a difference) so that if we figured out that we wouldn't have a future together, we could walk away without being hurt. we didn't realize that from the time we were friends, we could no longer walk away without losing something. and loss is the thing that scares me more than anything. even if we fall out of love with each other, and it's a mutual thing, and we walk away knowing that we're better off with someone else, there's still going to be a terrible loss. our relationship would never be the same.

and i'm too scared to talk to him about it. not because i'm afraid of what he'll say, or how he'll react, or if he'll say he's been thinking the same thing. but i'm just afraid that if i say it, mention that this doubt even exists, that it will grow, until it's real, and then from being real it becomes all of our relationship, until our relationship is only doubts, and there is nothing left. that's what i'm scared of.

but these thoughts only appear at night. i still have the daytime, to laugh, to dream, and to know that we have more than a chance at happiness. now it's just the other twelve hours that need to be convinced of that.

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