Thursday, December 22, 2011

"please be human to me."

life's really scary some days. in fact, it's terrifying.

it's not its uncertainty that's scary; it's not even its length. it's the thought that so little divides what is from what might have been. that's the thought that keeps me awake sometimes--trying to sort out the might-have-beens. it's so easy to imagine what little things in your past could have changed your life as it is today. and it's so frightening to realize that what you are doing right now, if only you'd done it slightly different; a moment earlier or later, or just a little differently, then your life could have been entirely different.

it's funny, how life happens sometimes. and scary, because I could lose you just as unexpectedly as I found you.
(this one's from my boyfriend)

if emotions come from your brain, then why does your chest ache when you come across something very beautiful?

i wish i had all the words some days, and in fact, i do. it's just that i can't always see the right way to put them together unless someone else does it for me. they're ordinary words, really; it's just the way they're put together that makes them beautiful.

I keep thinking you already know. I keep thinking I've sent you letters that were only ever written in my mind.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


it is one of a child's first words, the beginning of their search for knowledge. it is a mother's cry as a rebellious teenager has made a bad choice. it is the lament of a man losing his job, unable to support his family. it is the wonder of a husband and wife waking up next to each other for the first time. it is the reaction to the loss of a loved one. it is the reaction to the gain of the world. it is the soldier's question heading into war. it is the catalyst of a new scientific discovery. children have asked this question from the beginning. philosophers and theologians have still not found the final answer. it is the voice of humanity.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

again, i havent blogged lately--but not because i haven't wanted to. simply becasue i haven't had the time.

these days i've barely had the time to do everything i'm supposed to be doing, much less anything else. which can get hard sometimes. if i could just have one or two days that i didn't have to do anything except catch up on my homework, earn some money, and maybe clean my room, i'd be fine. but i'm constantly just almost behind, not enough where it's a problem in getting stuff turned in at school or that sort of thing, but i'm just barely making it. if this translated to a business, i'd be making enough money for all my expenses--but absolutely nothing else. there's just always so much that seems to be more important than just breathing, and looking at life for a little while. i mean, when it's a choice between talking to my boyfriend and doing my history essay, or saying a prayer and passing a class, it's kinda obvious which one i HAVE to choose. and i don't like it when these choices are taken out of my hands.

i guess that's really all i have to say...or rather, all i really have TIME to say. oh well. i'm doing the best i can with what i've got to work with right now. that's all anyone can ask, isn't it?

we're smiling but we're close to tears,
even after all these years,
we just now got the feeling that we're meeting
for the first time.....
oh, these times are hard
yeah, they're making us crazy,
don't give up on me baby <3

Monday, October 24, 2011

doubts and wishes

sometimes i get scared. it's only at nights, when i wake up in the middle of the night and the shadows seem threatening, and i have to wonder if i've been fooling myself all along. it's times like this when i wonder if i really love him after all, if we really do have a future, or if we don't really know what love is and nothing will ever come of it. i don't think i can stand to lose him, sometimes. but i only realize that when i remember that he isn't actually mine.

we wanted, originally, to "court" (not date; there's a difference) so that if we figured out that we wouldn't have a future together, we could walk away without being hurt. we didn't realize that from the time we were friends, we could no longer walk away without losing something. and loss is the thing that scares me more than anything. even if we fall out of love with each other, and it's a mutual thing, and we walk away knowing that we're better off with someone else, there's still going to be a terrible loss. our relationship would never be the same.

and i'm too scared to talk to him about it. not because i'm afraid of what he'll say, or how he'll react, or if he'll say he's been thinking the same thing. but i'm just afraid that if i say it, mention that this doubt even exists, that it will grow, until it's real, and then from being real it becomes all of our relationship, until our relationship is only doubts, and there is nothing left. that's what i'm scared of.

but these thoughts only appear at night. i still have the daytime, to laugh, to dream, and to know that we have more than a chance at happiness. now it's just the other twelve hours that need to be convinced of that.

Thursday, October 20, 2011's been a while

hello, internet world! (or....the inside of my laptop, because i think i just heard an echo when i typed that)

it's definitely been a while since i last blogged. so quick update/about-me so my lovely laptop knows what i'm talking about when i start rambling about my life.

i'm a sophomore/junior in high school. ive been in a relationship with a lovely guy since the beginning of the year (as in, january. not the beginning of the school year). i'm in band, and two ap classes (english language, and world history), so i whine a lot about those becasue they're a lot of work. i'm smart. easily bored. relatively religious. like poetry. and chocolate. and range from very poetic/thoughtful to very random/hyper. and as you can guess, the combination of all those things has made me not very high up on the social pecking order at school--not everyone believes in my view of life, which is just fine with me.

i don't want to start another train of thought. that would just bother me because separate topics belong in separate blog posts, in my opinion. so until next time...

"it's my,
my heart,
my life,
that you're calling a lie
and i can't take anymore.
i feel it coming over me
i'm still a slave to these dreams
is this the end of everything,
or just a new way to bleed?"
--evanescence, "new way to bleed"