Life is an adventure.
Chapter Three: Big DayBetter Title: Nice Day For a Slight WeddingThis chapter begins with Duncan, prince of the Falcon-Men, declaring war on the Tree Serpents. Mortur, son of Halifor and leader of the Tree Serpents, continues his march to the West, where Lisa the Cackle-Maiden dwells in Skull Valley.Sorry. I don't want to blog this chapter of the book, so instead I started blogging a short story I just wrote called "Dogs Are Neat." How do you like it so far? Can you tell that Duncan is really the Cackle-Maiden in disguise? Oops. That was a spoiler. Sorry.I fell asleep while reading this chapter. I got to the part where Bella was describing the decorations on the trees when I must have conked out. When I woke up, the book was on the floor, my jotting-pencil (which I usually hold under my nose using the strength of my upper lip to make a hilarious pencil-mustache) was gone, and my mouth tasted like my pillowcase mixed with jotting-pencil.This is only the second time I've fallen asleep while reading a novel. The first time occurred when I was trying to read Love in the Time of Cholera, which, despite what my roommate told me, had very little to do with time travel and wasn't a sequel to The Goonies…at all.After I awoke, I finished reading this chapter, and now I don't know what to do. I'm torn.On one hand, this chapter seems specifically designed to bore me. On the other hand, it's not a horrible chapter. Alice doesn't make any predictions. Edward doesn't upset me with his possessive nature. Jasper doesn't say, "Move sideways and we will live." And there is not a single mention of souls. So for a Twilight chapter, it's astonishing.But it's still a lousy chapter. Bella gets married. And that's it. For all the buildup, I expected a little more. For two books, Bella has thought about marriage. For two books, she has been waiting (dreading) this day. Now that it's finally here, I was sure there would have been a last-minute race to the altar, or the wedding would have been interrupted by Jacob or a hellfire demon that is after Bella's soul. Or something of that sort.
Instead, it's just a wedding. I'll give Ms. Meyer credit for not tossing in clichéd wedding horror stories, such as a missing ring, or someone saying the wrong name during the vows. But a little excitement would have been nice. And would it kill her to add a goofy character named Applesauce McNuts who runs around town granting wishes and killing trolls? That's what's really missing from this book. Well, that and believable characters, an interesting plot, realistic dialogue, some sense of humor, and more werewolves.For those who care, here's what happens:Bella wakes up after a rough night of sleep because she's dreaming about babies. You may be looking for a joke here regarding a certain werewolf who also dreams of babies, but for one week only, I've decided to take the high road and not mention or mock that oddly-named werewolf, whose name isn't Embry. (Hint: It's Quil.)Bella leaves her house with Alice. The next few pages go into detail about Bella's makeup and hair, and about how the Cullen homestead has been decorated from floor to ceiling with flowers. Edward plays the piano. Rosalie plays the piano. And then Bella walks down the aisle, and is so overjoyed to see Edward that the rest of the wedding is a blur. They say their vows (which are traditional) and then they kiss. It's an extra-long, horny kiss. Then Bella hugs everyone (in the regular, non-special way), and she tells us that Seth is the only werewolf at the wedding.Does anyone else think it's odd that Edward and Seth have become instant BFFs? I wonder if…hmm. I'm going to shut up and save those thought for the prediction.So that's it. End of the chapter. Um…you guys wanna play Tetris or something? I really have nothing good or bad to say about this chapter.Since the blog for this chapter is out of the way, perhaps I can use this time to do a little bit of house cleaning by answering frequently asked questions. These are the questions I get asked the most:
Q: Did you know that Ms. Meyer wrote a book called Midnight Sun? It's the first Twilight book, but told from Edward's point of view. You can read it on the internet!A: That sounds both interesting and dumb, like an astronaut fish. I may need to look into this…The internet is so cool!Yes, it is.Will you see the Twilight Movies?Yep. Not sure when.Will you read The Short Life of Walrus Tanner and Her Sadness of Death?Probably. If I do, it may be summed up in one blog, instead of doing a chapter-by-chapter review.Did you know that there's another Twilight book called Midnight Sun? It's Twilight, but Edward does all the ---Yes. I know about it. We went over this.You didn't have to yell.I'm sorry. I just miss my car, White Lightnin'. Now I'm driving a rental car. It's silver. I call it Dumb Lightnin'.Why do you like Emmett so much? He's hardly in the book.That's why I love him. He's a mysterious background character who is super strong and mighty. He is the Boba Fett of Twilight. And he (presumably) wears a cape and a bright blue shirt that says "Emmett" on the front. I bet he has a cool catchphrase, like "That's grab-ulous!" which he says before grabbing and killing a shark. He's so cool.How do you make your drawings?I draw them in pencil, and then trace them with a Sharpie. Then I color them using the juices from berries, the pigments of wild flowers, and the blood of the guilty.Really?No. I scan them into the computer and color them using the GIMP photo editing program. A drawing usually takes about ten minutes to create, from start to finish.Stephenie Meyer wrote a new Twilight Novella called The Life of Short Bree Who Is Tan. Will you read it?Um…I already answered this.Gosh, you're moody. What's wrong?I just ate an apple, and accidentally swallowed a mushy part. Should I go to the hospital? My eyes are itching. That can't be good. Can someone take me to the hospital, please?You should stop reading Twilight. You're being mean and if you hate the book so much, you shouldn't read it. You just don't get it. You're wrong, and I hate you and your thoughts. I bet you're ugly. That's not a question.
Oh. Sorry. I meant to ask: Who would win a fight between Emmett and Jacob?Emmett would win. In the middle of the fight, Bella would say something to Jacob such as, "Hey Jacob, don't fight. If you stop fighting I'll let you wash my new car. And I may even let you touch my shins." And then the brainwashed Jacob would cease fighting and trot over to bossy Bella literally like a puppy.But I thought you liked Jacob. What happened?I do like Jacob. I think he's great. I just don't think he would act so down in the dumps over Bella. Jacob from New Moon was a rogue, a scoundrel, a street-wise smartass. He was…The Thunder. Now he is a six-foot-tall walking sack of tears. He is mopey. He is whiny. He isn't The Thunder. He is…The Drizzle. He used to be cocky, and self-assured. Now he's acting like a little kid who's upset because he's not allowed to eat ice cream for dinner and runs away yelling, "Then I'm never eating anything ever again!" I truly hope the New Moon Jacob returns soon….with a cool scar across his eye. That would make him amazing.How can you say that? Jacob loved Bella. He would be torn up after she dumped him. Why don't you understand that?I agree that Jacob loved Bella. And getting dissed is never easy. But Jake should have seen this coming. From day one, Bella has made it clear that she will forever be with Edward. That's why I laughed my ass off at the end of the last book. The "revelation" that Bella is going to be with Edward wasn't news to anyone, but was treated as this huge announcement tantamount to someone saying, "Zebras can see through most walls."Zebras can see through most walls?No. That was a joke. Zebras can see through all walls.Why don't you answer me on Facebook or Twitter?Because I hate you.Wha….?Just kidding. I love reading all the comments, and I do read them all. I try to answer as many as I can. But you must remember that I'm very lazy, and I just got a new phone that has cool games on it. So…How do you think Breaking Dawn will end?When I first picked up Twilight, I assumed it would end tragically, with Edward and/or Bella dying. But now I'm willing to bet that no one dies, and the ending is going to be safe and boring. There won't be a final battle or any form of sacrifice. It will end at a Sunday picnic in the park with everyone sitting around and being joyless. And I still think Bella is going to get knocked up.What will you do when Twilight is over?Celebrate by buying something impractical and ridiculous, like a cat leash. (I don't own a cat.) (Sparkitor note: he will blog something else. We have it all planned out, and you will love it!)
Why does this blog suck so hard? Usually these blogs are mildly amusing, but this one is boring. Why are you so lame? There wasn't much to talk about. Plus, a lot of people ask me the above questions and I wanted to answer them. A regular blog will appear next week. It's going to be amazing. And it may or may not include the word, "polar monkey."Polar monkey?Well, if there are polar bears, why not polar monkeys? Or polar spiders? Or polar hams?Oh. I get it. You're so clever. [EYE ROLL] Thanks!Mutters: 2 (Book total: 5)Murmurs: 1 (Book total: 6)Prediction:Edward takes Bella to a mysterious location for their honeymoon.EDWARD: OK, Lamb. Are you reading for the surprise?BELLA: Mmm-hmm!EDWARD: We're going to Spain!BELLA: Oh my! That's amazing!EDWARD: It's going to be so much fun. I rented an entire village for us. Seth is there already, getting things ready. It has a pool and—BELLA: Hold on. Seth is there?EDWARD: Yeah. I invited Seth. We talked about this.BELLA: No we didn't.EDWARD: Sure we did. You were sleeping, and as I watched you snooze, I whispered, "Can Seth come with us on our honeymoon?" And you said, "Snort grublub." Which I took as a yes.BELLA: Why would you invite Seth on our honeymoon?EDWARD: Heh. Better question: Why wouldn't I invite Seth. The dude is amazing.BELLA: But…EDWARD: He's so strong and funny. And last night while you were sleeping, we went clubbing. He's a hell of a dancer.BELLA: You went clubbing with Seth.EDWARD: Well, not just with Seth. Marcus was there too. It was just for fun, you know. Guy stuff.BELLA: Marcus?EDWARD: Yeah, he kept looking at Seth and me and saying, "You two were made for each other." Marcus is such a kidder. By the way, did you know that George Clooney is in love with his girlfriend?BELLA: But you hate werewolves.EDWARD: Calling Seth a werewolf is like calling a butterfly a bug.BELLA: I should have married Jacob.EDWARD: Good news, Seth and I wear the same size undershirt! Isn't that crazy?
There you go!! I had to post it in parts because there's a character limit to the comments. Its probably not the same as reading it on the site, but I hope that helps!