why?

it is one of a child's first words, the beginning of their search for knowledge. it is a mother's cry as a rebellious teenager has made a bad choice. it is the lament of a man losing his job, unable to support his family. it is the wonder of a husband and wife waking up next to each other for the first time. it is the reaction to the loss of a loved one. it is the reaction to the gain of the world. it is the soldier's question heading into war. it is the catalyst of a new scientific discovery. children have asked this question from the beginning. philosophers and theologians have still not found the final answer. it is the voice of humanity.

again, i havent blogged lately--but not because i haven't wanted to. simply becasue i haven't had the time.

these days i've barely had the time to do everything i'm supposed to be doing, much less anything else. which can get hard sometimes. if i could just have one or two days that i didn't have to do anything except catch up on my homework, earn some money, and maybe clean my room, i'd be fine. but i'm constantly just almost behind, not enough where it's a problem in getting stuff turned in at school or that sort of thing, but i'm just barely making it. if this translated to a business, i'd be making enough money for all my expenses--but absolutely nothing else. there's just always so much that seems to be more important than just breathing, and looking at life for a little while. i mean, when it's a choice between talking to my boyfriend and doing my history essay, or saying a prayer and passing a class, it's kinda obvious which one i HAVE to choose. and i don't like it when these choices are taken out of my hands.

i guess that's really all i have to say...or rather, all i really have TIME to say. oh well. i'm doing the best i can with what i've got to work with right now. that's all anyone can ask, isn't it?

we're smiling but we're close to tears,
even after all these years,
we just now got the feeling that we're meeting
for the first time.....
oh, these times are hard
yeah, they're making us crazy,
don't give up on me baby <3

doubts and wishes

sometimes i get scared. it's only at nights, when i wake up in the middle of the night and the shadows seem threatening, and i have to wonder if i've been fooling myself all along. it's times like this when i wonder if i really love him after all, if we really do have a future, or if we don't really know what love is and nothing will ever come of it. i don't think i can stand to lose him, sometimes. but i only realize that when i remember that he isn't actually mine.



we wanted, originally, to "court" (not date; there's a difference) so that if we figured out that we wouldn't have a future together, we could walk away without being hurt. we didn't realize that from the time we were friends, we could no longer walk away without losing something. and loss is the thing that scares me more than anything. even if we fall out of love with each other, and it's a mutual thing, and we walk away knowing that we're better off with someone else, there's still going to be a terrible loss. our relationship would never be the same.



and i'm too scared to talk to him about it. not because i'm afraid of what he'll say, or how he'll react, or if he'll say he's been thinking the same thing. but i'm just afraid that if i say it, mention that this doubt even exists, that it will grow, until it's real, and then from being real it becomes all of our relationship, until our relationship is only doubts, and there is nothing left. that's what i'm scared of.



but these thoughts only appear at night. i still have the daytime, to laugh, to dream, and to know that we have more than a chance at happiness. now it's just the other twelve hours that need to be convinced of that.

so....it's been a while

hello, internet world! (or....the inside of my laptop, because i think i just heard an echo when i typed that)

it's definitely been a while since i last blogged. so quick update/about-me so my lovely laptop knows what i'm talking about when i start rambling about my life.

i'm a sophomore/junior in high school. ive been in a relationship with a lovely guy since the beginning of the year (as in, january. not the beginning of the school year). i'm in band, and two ap classes (english language, and world history), so i whine a lot about those becasue they're a lot of work. i'm smart. easily bored. relatively religious. like poetry. and chocolate. and range from very poetic/thoughtful to very random/hyper. and as you can guess, the combination of all those things has made me not very high up on the social pecking order at school--not everyone believes in my view of life, which is just fine with me.

i don't want to start another train of thought. that would just bother me because separate topics belong in separate blog posts, in my opinion. so until next time...

"it's my,
my heart,
my life,
that you're calling a lie
and i can't take anymore.
i feel it coming over me
i'm still a slave to these dreams
is this the end of everything,
or just a new way to bleed?"
--evanescence, "new way to bleed"

There's been a lot of depressing blog posts lately, so I guess I'll join in.

Pretty cool stuff here. I'm talking about OneNote (it's a microsoft program). It's entertained me and kept me from working for an hour at least now, so I think that's pretty great.

I'm tired.

 
 

Hmm. I've been thinking about high school a lot lately, which makes sense 'cause I'm in it. But I've realized that I really don't have any true friends anymore. True friends support you, they want you to achieve your dreams, they're happy for you when you do. But my friends, I found out, don't do that, any of them. Like, the other day when I found out that I have the highest GPA in my grade. I'm excited, of course, because I want to graduate a year early and go to a really selective private liberal arts college. But when I tell my friends, they yell at me for bragging. I wasn't bragging, though! I was excited, and I thought that since they're my FRIENDS, they'd be excited for me too. But they weren't; instead, they stopped speaking to me. I don't really mind it. I don't NEED friends, I've lived without them before and perfectly well too. But it still hurts. It's like I can't be smart-I can't be fully me-around them.

 
 

Song of the day: hmmm. I don't remember if I've already said this, but "September" by Daughtry.

bah.

So I'm sitting in the car on my way to my friend's state crosscountry meet, and I remember that I have a blog. Cool, huh? So since I can't hack into any wifi network (the name of one that I tried is PiratesAmongUs, something I found ironic) and I can post from Microsoft word, (not to mention that I don't care enough to work on my AP essay like I should be doing), I decided to update this for like, the first time in months.

It's really not my fault, though! I've been busy. Crosscountry every night after school, marching band, AP class, and all……sleep is a thing of the past. So. I think ive lost all intelligent thought right now, 'cause I can't think of a thing to say. And you should be thankful ive got spellcheck because without it no one could figure out what im trying to say. Im tired. Really tired. Even though I got like 10 hours of sleep last night, im tired. The first marking period of school is over. I only have 15 (or 11) more of these left before college. Joy.

 

Mkay. I guess this'll have to count as blogging. I'm not making any promises about blogging sometime soon, but I might. Idk.

 

Song of the day: "Lucy" by Skillet (love this song! It's so sad!)

oh, yeah. i have a blog.

it's only been a week since school's started, but it feels like a couple months. i've practically forgotten what my house looks like in the daylight. i've got marching band, cross country, AP english, two languages, and i'm trying to have a life. which is all well and good, except for that i have to sleep, too. so im basically exhausted. most of the day, im walking thru life like im a zombie. these are supposed to be some of the best four years of my life, but it's only been the first week of my freshman year and at this rate, im not even going to remember most of it. oh well....i'll get used to it soon enough. i have to.

song of the day: "lost in this dance" by Lena Katina. (i love this song!)