have you ever had that strange, vague, light blue feeling, that you're experiencing time very differently than everyone else? that's how i feel right now, and for two reasons.
for one, yesterday was the last day of school. next year i'll be in high school, and, even though i haven't been able to wait for this, i don't want it to happen just yet. i want the world to stop spinning, just for a minute or two; just long enough for me to catch my breath and take in all these things i'm going to want to remember; long enough for me to once again grasp hold of something more solid than the air.
also, it's a funny thought--i'm almost 15; in less than a month i will be. but i don't feel in the least bit 14; it almost disgusts me to say that i am only 14. i don't even feel 15-almost-16. i feel at least 16--almost 17--like i'm just stepping off into my future; young, idealistic, and ready to take on the world. but then i look at reality and i'm so confused; because i still have 4 years of school til college, but i feel like i'm a junior, nearly finished with high school.
everyone who knows me at all is probably laughing; heaven knows i don't act my age, much less almost 17 like i feel. but that's part of it too. i feel like i only have a little time--only a year or so--before i have to be responsible and adult-like and on my own. so i think i have to hurry; act like a child for as long as i can, because i don't have much time left.
it's so confusing. i act 12. i feel 17. but right now i'm only 14-almost-15, lingering in the space between childhood and adulthood; not able to do much of anything, not able to be free.
song of the day: "Twilight" by Vanessa Carlton